A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
by NothingImpossible
Summary: Captain Killian Jones loses the woman he loves to the Dark One along with his hand and he'll do anything to get his revenge, even if it means his story becomes the nightmare that plagues the worst of his fevered dreams.


_**A/N: Happy birthday, Lynyrd Lionheart! Consider this payback for the song-inspired work of pain you gave me a few months back. I'd be sorry, but I sold my soul for cookies and kitten gifs. Hope you like it!**_

* * *

 _"Hold him down! Come on, lads, tighter!"_

 _"He's too strong, we can't-"_

 _"Just do it! We have to stop the bleeding!"_

* * *

They slip her body into the ocean, wrapped in white sailcloth, tied with ropes. It's too familiar, far too familiar for him, the second of his loved ones he's had to bury at sea. Last time, he'd turned pirate, swore vengeance on his king and country, mutinied with all the fury he had in his heart.

This time, Killian has nothing left. Nothing but a magic bean and a hook in place of his hand.

The fire is there, the anger, the rage, but it's meaningless, he knows. It won't bring her back any more than his pillaging had brought back his brother. It won't heal his all too broken heart.

But he has to find something, some reason to go on, something to hold onto or he'll lose himself completely. Someone to blame, some goal to chase, some end to achieve, though it will probably be his own.

As he had all those years ago, he chooses revenge, and sets sail to the land where he can search for as long as it takes to defeat the Dark One. With a forced grin on his face and curved metal on the wheel, he steers straight for the portal and toward Neverland.

* * *

 _"Is there anything we can do, sir? He's too warm, he'll die if the fever doesn't break."_

 _"Keep the wound clean, make sure the infection doesn't get any worse, no matter what."_

 _"Aye aye, sir."_

* * *

It's fitting, Killian supposes, that he should meet her son on these forgotten shores. He tries to offer a place for the boy, as she would have wanted. Teaches him about the sea, how to fight, to defend himself against the darkness Pan will surely unleash if he ever learns about his guest. He tries, but in the end, the boy discovers his past with her, his mother, and he lashes out against him.

As always, Killian fights back and sends him away to Pan, all for a pat on the head and a grin from the demon child who rules the land. The pain at losing him, losing opportunity, losing something of hers, reopens his need for vengeance, for action, and he redoubles his efforts to find the Crocodile who'd taken the only good thing he'd ever had in his miserable life.

And he misses her even more.

It's on a scheduled supply run Killian learns of the cursed blade, of the power it controls, and he diverts all his energy to seek it out. He makes deals with merchants, mermaids, and wenches, trades his services to any that would give him information. His search leads to the queen, and then her mother after that, to a curse that keeps him ever young as his revenge grows nearer still.

Soon, she promises him. Soon his love will be avenged. Just twenty eight years in a land untouched by time while the curse transports the rest of the realm to a land untouched by magic.

Soon.

* * *

 _"Help me put him in the ice water, it'll help with the fever."_

 _"What about his arm, sir?"_

 _"Don't get it wet. On three, ready? One, two…"_

* * *

Killian hides in the camp, hides in plain sight while pretending to be one of them. He fools them, he has enough skills to do the smithy work he promises. He fools them all, all but her.

The woman with golden hair, eyes sharp and tongue sharper, catches his lie and ties him to a tree. He struggles, he can't end his quest like this, not as a meal for the ogres as she threatens. He gives her the truth, gives as much of it as she needs to finally believe him, to trust him.

Swan. Emma Swan. A name so soft and so harsh at the same time, aptly depicting the woman perfectly suited as his partner up the beanstalk. She gives him even less than he did and he's intrigued, he needs to know more. He tries to get her to open up on their quest, but her walls are high and thick from years of building them.

In the end, it doesn't matter what he tries.

He screams her name in an empty room as she leaves him behind.

* * *

 _"Here, see if you can feed him some broth. Carefully, now. Don't let him choke on it."_

 _"I don't think he wants any, sir."_

 _"Try again. He needs his strength if he's going to survive."_

 _"Aye aye, sir."_

* * *

He manages to get to the little seaside town, the calm of it belying the raging storm he intends to unleash on the Dark One. The pieces are finally in place, the dagger lies somewhere within the town lines, and soon, so soon, Killian will have his revenge.

But the Crocodile has his magic back and the queens have reunited against him, taking his only chance at getting the weapon he's sought for hundreds of years. The Dark One has magic but the woman he loves does not, and Killian strikes at her in desperation.

It backfires, and he's the one injured, chained to a bed in a hospital unlike one he'd ever seen before. _She_ visits, Swan, asking for information and leaving him behind once more. He rages against his captivity, the pain in his ribs, his broken leg, but mostly against his revenge denied.

He gets free, free from the hospital and the queens, and follows his prey to the land outside the town, away from the magic that preserves his immortality. Finally, his chance to face the Crocodile man to man, as they had so many hundreds of years ago. He coats his hook in poison, and buries it deep in the other man's chest.

Finally, it's over, and he doesn't know whether to feel relief or sadness. In killing his foe, he's also killed himself and everything he was. Maybe he could find something else to live for, one day, explore this new realm and all its possibilities.

But Swan hits him over the head and leaves him.

Again.

* * *

 _"How does he seem?"_

 _"He keeps mumbling in his sleep, sir. He's dreaming, I think."_

 _"It happens. Try to keep him cool, and make sure you remember to change the bandages."_

* * *

He's found by another woman, just as dangerous, only to find he'd failed. The anger courses through Killian again, familiar fire rushing through his veins, the only life he's known for centuries. He joins with her but soon regrets it, the loss of his own life isn't one he's ready to offer quite so literally. He goes to the heroes, to Swan's family, and tries to help. But their path ends in suicide as well and he finds himself leaving _her_ behind for a change.

And all he remembers is the face of the boy who trusted him for a short time so long ago, the boy who grew up to father the child now taken, the boy from centuries ago that Killian had betrayed in anger. He can't do it again, not to the boy's son, not to Swan. He has a chance at redemption, probably the only one he'll ever have.

He goes back and joins the quest to rescue her son.

They travel to Neverland, going back to the cursed land he thought long buried in his past. He stuffs down the memories long enough to help them, to make himself truly useful to them, to her, to Swan. He's not doing this for himself, he's long since lost all hope for his own future.

Or so he thought.

Her fiery kiss in the humid jungle leaves him gasping for air, reeling in the realisation that the past is finally something he can let go as long as he can imagine a future with her.

Her child rescued, the boy from his past joining their party, they travel home again. But Pan always finds a way, Pan always wins, and Killian had just opened his heart for Emma when she leaves him behind once more. This time, he won't forget her so quickly, though she won't remember anything of him.

* * *

 _"How long will the fever last, sir?"_

 _"I don't know. Could be days, maybe weeks. I doubt he'd survive much more than that."_

 _"Should I try to give him more soup, sir? Perhaps this time it'll stay down."_

 _"I'll bring some from the galley."_

* * *

Killian tries to go back to his old ways, finds his crew, his ship, but it's all wrong without her. How he can miss the mere whispers of a possible future, he doesn't know, but nothing feels right without Emma beside him. He jumps at the chance to save her, the mysterious message to bring her home. He'll do anything for her, including trading away the only home he could remember.

He finds her, sees her, and for a moment he can't breathe, the memories he'd held were nothing compared to the woman before him. But she has no memories left of him, and her walls are back where they'd been when they first met. She sends him to the brig for a spell, though this time, she comes back for him.

She drinks the potion. She remembers everything.

This time, he knows what he's fighting for, as they try to save her family, her town, from the green witch. This time, he knows what he wants, knows where his future is. She came back for him once, and now he's fighting to keep her from running away again.

It takes a journey through time until she finally realises where home is. And for the first time in ages, he's right where he wants to be.

* * *

 _"You're acting captain until he recovers, but have we any idea what happens if he doesn't make it?"_

 _"Hold your tongue, man. Not in his presence."_

 _"Just saying we should discuss it. Y'know, in case…"_

 _"Aye… let's go outside the captain's quarters to talk then."_

* * *

But peace doesn't last quite as long as Killian had hoped. There are monsters to chase, ice queens and snow queens and friends to appease. He tries to enjoy the quiet moments with her, get to know her more, but the interruptions are endless. He swallows his pride and makes a deal with the Crocodile, a deal he regrets the moment it's completed, a deal that nearly ends in her death, and then his. He can't keep pretending he's anything but the monster he is, the villain who's only brought more pain to her world. He longs to tell her how he feels, but she smiles and assures him he's a hero now, he's one of them.

He's not, but he wants nothing more than to feel as though he is.

Oddly enough, his chance to prove his bravery comes in a world where he's as cowardly as the spinner who once stood before him, a world where his memories are only of loss, pain, and humiliation, where he has no strength but tries anyway.

He dies for her, in that world. He dies to save her, to save her family, and he gets to come back anyway, his bravery rewarded by her smile and laugh as they fall into each other's arms.

But the darkness comes and she sacrifices herself to save them all, yet not before giving him the piece of her heart she'd saved just for him.

It hurts too much to count all the times she's left him behind.

* * *

 _"He's got no strength left, sir. He won't last much longer."_

 _"I know. For now, just keep him comfortable."_

 _"Aye, sir. I will."_

 _"Good lad. I'll be on deck if you need me."_

* * *

Killian goes after her, of course. He'll follow Emma to the ends of the world, even to Camelot, where the darkness grows inside her. There's more darkness in Camelot that just the Dark Swan, though, and he and her family are taken captive by the boy who would be king. He can't just watch as she's pitted against the greatest wizard, he can't do nothing. He does what he's always done, he fights back, the scratch a cost worth paying to see her free.

But the cost is greater than they both imagine, and he feels himself slipping into the cold emptiness of death once again. He tries to tell her, he tries to assure her it's okay, he can't follow her into that kind of darkness, he'll never emerge.

This time, she's not leaving him behind. This time, she brings him with her.

He can't control it, the rage and hurt and betrayal storming inside. He can't, and he doesn't want to. He nearly destroys everything of hers in his anger, only to pull himself back at the last moment by the look on her face.

This time, when he asks her to leave him, she listens.

The blade pierces with a fire he's never known, spreading ice through his veins until there is no more. The last thing he hears is her whispering his name as he drifts away.

* * *

 _"Stop pounding on his chest! You'll hurt him!"_

 _"If he doesn't start breathing again, it won't much matter."_

 _"He just took a breath. It worked, he's alive!"_

 _"For now, anyway. Might be kinder to just let him go."_

* * *

The tortures in life do not compare to those in death, the agony of the whip more painful than he remembers as it flashes across his body, the burn of fire licking at his skin, the stab of his own hook deep in his flesh. Killian sees her, Emma, here in this wretched place of the dead. It's impossible, but she's never really one to follow rules.

Pirate, just like him.

He grins through the pain, waits for her to come, despite the taunting of the lord of the realm, despite the utter hopelessness he should feel. She comes, she pulls him from the brink of loss itself, but he not sure he's worth saving anymore.

His brother shows him otherwise, and renewed determination flows through him as he and Emma search for a way back to life.

Alas, it's not meant to be, the final trick costing him his only chance at life restored. He can't do it again, can't say goodbye again, but he does, finds a strength he never knew he had, as he helps her into the elevator and tastes their mingled tears as they part once more.

He watches her leave him behind for the last time, his fingers thrumming from the touch of her hand, the feel of her skin, her warmth, her life, as he clings to her memory with everything he has left.

He's prepared to move on, to do as she bids, his one final act for the woman who brought him back to life all those years ago, who gave him purpose beyond his revenge. He's ready, but instead he finds himself right back with her, his heart beating a lively rhythm in his chest as she clings to him and doesn't want to ever let go.

He's come back to her, and this time nothing will ever tear them apart.

* * *

 _"Are you sure you should be at the helm, Captain?"_

 _"Where else should I be? I'm quite recovered now, you have my deepest appreciation for all your help."_

 _"Aye, sir, but who is Emma? You mentioned her while you slept."_

 _"She's... she's no one I've known, boy. It was... just a dream."_

 _"The bosun thinks you should be back in bed until-"_

 _"Until what, lad? Until I've lost even more weeks of my life to fever? Until the Dark One gets further away?"_

 _"N-no, sir. I'm sorry, sir."_

 _"Accepted. Now where's the bean?"_

 _"B-bean, sir?"_

 _"Have you developed a stutter or are you deliberately obtuse? The magic bean, boy. Where is it?"_

 _"It's gone, sir. We couldn't find it anywhere after you lost your hand and took ill…"_

 _"I… see, thank you. Get back to your station, lad, and send the officers to my quarters to chart a new course."_

 _"Where are we headed, Captain Jones?"_

 _"Anywhere but here."_


End file.
